She did not expect a fairytale. Her biggest desire was respect.
Here’s what you need to know:
She dressed herself in red and gold and saw her hands swarming with the beautiful mehndi designs, she was ready to enter into the new life of a bride with her dusky eyes closed and crossed her fingers in prayer. Marriage was to her the start of love, companionship and trust. Within hours her world was smashed. Her husband whose just taken sacred vows in front of witnesses decided that she was not beautiful enough. No dialogue. No empathy. Nothing more than a cold walkout.
In yet another dramatic incident, a newly married woman was divorced in a symbolically gruesome way: some water was poured into a earthen vessel and after that the words of talaq were uttered. Not only her value is discarded by a word she is dehumanized, an act that is by itself meant to debase her and leave her as nothing more than a dumped object.
They are not imaginary tragedies. They are not allegories, they are not figments of the imagination, they are not merely makings of fiction but very real people in real houses, most of them will never tell anyone because they will be ashamed, they will be judged and they will be alone. These are incidences of not only cruelty but of a disturbing normalcy of superficiality, entitlement and nihilistic attitude to something as fundamental as marriage.
The Closed-door Epidemic
The world has gone ahead but the aspect of old culture and patriarchal traditions is still hurting so many women in most societies, especially those in South Asia. The culture of concern about the beauty of a woman is so deeply rooted that even the marriage blessed by God cannot be valid sometimes when the bride does not fit into the manufactured notion of beauty.
Such scenarios will be the topic of family events as hearsay, or downgraded as unfortunate, leaving the background as fast as it came. What is seldom recognized, though, is that those stories are but a part of an even grander epidemic– one that its foundation is the true nature of boys as they grow up, the pressures imposed on girls, and how we are taught to view success within marriage.
A woman who is dumped because of her appearance is not only rejected but she is also dehumanized as though all she can be is the way she appears and not any other part of her, the soul, the intelligence, or the personality.
Judging a Woman as a Product
This attitude has a rather hurtful consumerism. A bride is viewed as a product and is packaged, presented and rated. What she does not resemble, be it skin color, shape or even cosmetics, she is returned, rejected and accused because she has failed to live up to the expectations.
This approach to marriage, which is transactional in nature, has become even more dramatic with the social media. Processed selfies and rishta photos are an illusion that real humans cannot follow all the time. And what used to be empathetic and realistic in regards to marriage has now led young men on the path to perfection and ditching something less than that even by family members.
The question that has to be asked is when did marriage turn into a beauty contest?
So why should only the woman be competitive?
The Unmentioned Gendered Hypocrisy
Among the most hypocritical and counterproductive to this crisis is the sharp difference of the double standard.
Men are seldom expected of the same towards physical demand. A groom can be fat, he can be balding and can be older or even unemployed but his appeal is seldom questioned. He is evaluated on earnings, social heritage and prospects. Throughout the time, the bride is examined on all sides not on her education, but on her eyebrows. Not of her character but of her complexion.
Her whole future is destroyed in case she does not appear good enough. However, he is under the burden of doing his job, when he fails, in the aspects of his job, whether that is on an emotional level, or a financial level, or a moral level, excuses are given and people are told to be tolerant.
This is not equal. This does not count as fairness. This is sexed violence in the name of culture.
You may also read: Major factor of increasing khula and divorce cases in Pakistan
The Psychological Cost of Women
This type of rejection is extremely damaging to the emotions of the women who experience it and its effects are long-term. The problem is not only that she will be humiliated; it is the fact that she would have suffered a very serious and long-lasting trauma that would make her perceive herself in a certain way years and years to come, or even forever.
Many report:
- An ever-present period of anxiety and depression
- Fear of being judged and dropping out of the society
- Lack of trust or love once again
- Body image problems and eating disorders
- Tendency to commit suicide or develop identity crisis
She starts believing that she is not good enough. That she is not perfect in any way. Her face was her value, now that the value has been determined, she has no value to give anymore.
It is not only a personal tragedy. It is a failure on the part of the society, the failure to safeguard, defend and endorse the dignity of women.
The Real Perspective of Islam on marriages
Islamic marriage is not contract of perfection; but goodness, mercy and patience. The Qur an defines marriage as a place of peace:
And of His signs is this: He has created mates of you out of yourselves that ye might dwell with them in tranquility and He has put between you love and mercy.
Verily, the men of faith fear God above all live men; and verily some of those who have gained understanding fear God as they should; in effect, God is all knowing, all aware. (Surah Ar-Rum, 30:21)
The verse is not concerning anything to do with appearance. It concerns unity, benevolence and mercy.
And similarly, by marrying, Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) demonstrated that the prerequisites of love and respect were not the age, beauty, or position. He took wives who were widows, older women, and women with different races. His criterion was not bodily it was spiritual and emotional.
Among you the best are the best to their wives. The Prophet of Islam has said that Allah first created Mercy and then the rest of the things after it. (Tirmidhi, Hadith 1162)
To reject, reject or abandon a woman on grounds of looks is to do the exact opposite of these teachings. This is not only being un-Islamic, it is also being morally bankrupted.
The Legal System: On paper, and not on the ground
There is a divorce structure offered by the Muslim Family Laws Ordinance in Pakistan. It requires:
- The Union Council to be given written notice of it.
- A three months reconciliation period
- Effective documentations and arbitration initiatives
Practically, such steps are followed without any diligence. Common are the informal divorces which in most cases are verbal or symbolic divorces mostly in the conservative homes or in rural areas. It is through phone calls or texts that women are divorced or through unrealistic things like in the case of a clay pot. Such means render them legally open, emotionally shattered, and socially maladjusted.
Lack of documentation means that many women are not able to remarry, seek financial assistance and even carry evidence of marriage. They are put in limbo and forgotten by the family and the system set to safeguard them.
We Must Raise Our Voices on Behalf of the Rohingya
The fact that people keep quiet when they see the most horrifying happenings is also one of the largest tragedies in these stories.
Family members keep quiet in order to escape embarrassment. Societies turn the blind eye. Religious leadership is not ready to take the matter head on and the reputation of the women is dogging them down with silence.
Neutrality is not neutral. It is endorsement. Whenever a woman is rejected and no one says something, the society colludes in her suffering.
What we require are open discussions, in the mosques, in the schools and in the homes. We should undo the bad notions and cease to hide behind religion and tradition to promote misogyny.
Families Role
Both, bride and groom parts require an improvement of preparation prior to marriages. The sheer need to be perfect on girls needs to be done away with as the girls need to be educated on emotional preparedness, communication and self-esteem.
Similarly, boys should be brought up within the perspective of understanding the responsibility, patience, and partnership. Marriage does not happen by transaction; it is a character test.
Parents need to quit raising their sons as princes and daughters as burdens. The culture has to cease perpetuating the belief that girls have to work hard to be loved based on how they look.
The Mind of Media and Reform
Media is an influential force that may be used positively or negatively. It is fairly worse at the moment. Whether it is through TV dramas that promote toxic husbands or through Instagram celebrities who market beauty goods, it is all the same; either be perfect or die out.
This needs to be altered. We need:
- Television programs that lay emphasis on good and respectful marriages
- Beauty-celebrating diversity campaigns
- Tales where fake men stand by women out of weakness and suffering
- Role models that talk of self-worth rather than self-editing
What Should Be Done – Now
It’s not a women only problem. It is a problem of humankind. And it requires an aggravated replied:
Criminal Prozess
- Penalize the informal divorces. Counsel nikah pre-marriage.
Leadership in Religion
- These are the things that Imams and scholars need to deal with in the pulpit straight and petrol.
Psychological Support
- Free trauma counseling to women who are going through divorce or rejection.
Pre-Religious Public Education
- Conduct marriage workshop, multi-ethnic respect and sets of values in school, college.
Responsibility of Media
- Prohibit or control advertisement of skin whitening and cosmetic beauty ideals.
Conclusion, A Woman Is not a Trial You can afford.
Being a woman is not a time bound experience. She does not come as a product to be unpacked, tested overnight and sent away without a penalty. She is a human being full of emotions, or with dignity, or with family, or faith. Nothing is casual in the marriage. It is a holy commitment that would carry with it the responsibilities, honor and empathy.
Even then, we are in a society where some men find it too easy to dump a woman after they are married; perhaps within hours of the wedding itself, because of the fact that she does not look like her picture, or because she is not pretty enough. They grant a divorce easily with just three words as though her life does not count. They come back with the ego intact whereas the lady and her whole family is devastated.
But what is not asked, Let us ask:
- Did the groom or his family never give thought that the bride has a family as well?
- That she is daughter to somebody?
- It is that her parents brought her into this world with love and prayers, that they wished her well and that they worked months on her wedding plans, emotionally and financially?
Did they ever think of how shameful, heartbreaking and traumatizing it can be to be rejected so abruptly, not because of who she is or what she has done, but just because the person does not look good enough to meet their superficial standards?
It is not mere rejection. This is an emotional abuse. It is public humiliating. It is the kind of psychological harassment you do not want to happen to you, and it does not happen to the woman only, but to the whole family who will have to deal with the need to explain the failed marriage after several days or even hours.
Dowry is taken in most of such instances. Extravagant celebrations are conducted. To buy gifts, dresses, rings and make arrangements, thousands of money are spent, and all this in hope the union will be long-term. Then all of a sudden, things get burned down due to the fact that the groom did not like what he saw.
It is not a marriage. This is twisting. This is abuse of Islamic rights at the self-centered shallow fancies. Men also have their rights to divorce granted by Islam, and not so that they should get rid of it easily, or enjoy behaving emotionally cruel.
- But where, we must ask is the law?
- Where is the responsibility?
Our government needs to be concerned with this issue. Strict legal implications should be placed on the men in case they give out hasty divorces without observing the stipulations that are stipulated legally and ethically:
- Such kind of men who use divorce as a way of evading responsibility should legally be punished.
- A divorce has to be under a proper process and procedure, with reconciliation and arbitration as well as the official documentation.
- Divorce as a form of emotional harassment should also be criminalized, as any other type of abuse.
Women have to be given statutory protection and psychological services as well as justice. It is not vengeance that is in the picture, but restoring the balance. A woman cannot afford to a man to leave a marriage as a pre-test. Yo don not have the privilege to ruin the life of a person at night and be without punishment.
To all men who read this:
- Suppose it were your sister?
- What happens when she is judged and disposed after a single day of marriage and made to feel humiliated?
- Would not your heart be breaking? Would blood not boil under your skin?
Then remember, the lady that you refuse is a sister of somebody. The daughter of somebody. And her hurt is no less.
- As to the men that pass a step farther?
Who get married with a sole desire of exploiting women through their bodies, emotions, and socially and then dump them when they get what they want? These men are not interested in obtaining a partner. They want a break of control. A thrill. It is a power trip. And they are ashamed of them when they get tired and dispose their wives as worn out goods.
It is not marriage. It is a betrayal under the guise of religion. It is a legal exploitation which our system is still neglecting.
Now just to set the record straight:
It is not a misconception. This is predatory action.
And it must be waged that way, with the help of the powerful law, with criticism and rejection on the part of society. When the man is just trying to trade out of marriage just like a one night stand and absconds his duty, he does not deserve to be left in peace. He should be regarded as who he is, a user not a husband. Our society needs to be awakened. We can no longer sit back and allow women to be married, exploited, judged and dumped in as though they are some no-body. It is not a one night affair with which a woman deals. She is a life time commitment. And anyone, who is unable to keep that promise, should not be allowed to promise in the first place and may this be the beginning of a more commanding, more insistent demand:
Accountability, Reform And after all, human dignity.
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